Dear —

Dear —,

Every other time I’ve started a letter off like this it has been a suicide note. I don’t want to do that this time, though. Instead, this is going to be a note of thanks to everyone who has believed in me and helped me. So here goes, I guess.

Thank you for believing that I was going to make it to tomorrow. Thank you for calling the police or bringing me to the hospital when you weren’t sure. Thank you for making me laugh and knowing when I wanted to talk about it and when I wanted to be distracted instead.

I hope you know that I’m doing my best. Sometimes my best might not be up to par, but I assure you, I’m trying. I’m sorry if sometimes I seem ungrateful or I become clingy or I apologize too much. I sometimes forget that I deserve to be here and take up space and exist, and so I feel the need in those times to apologize for existing. Please be patient with me–I’m doing my best to make those times be less and less frequent.

Please do not stop outwardly caring about me, even if sometimes I try and push you away. Deep down, I really really really love you for caring and showing me love and concern. Sometimes being loved feels dangerous, and so I’ll deflect any affection people will show me. But I really appreciate all the love, and lately it has been my MAIN focus and goal to accept the love rather than push it away. Again, I’m doing my best, and I’ve been improving. It’s getting there, I promise.

And last, please know that in NO WAY do my problems excuse me from being a jerk, deflecting, or pushing away in any other form. If I treated you poorly, I take 100% responsibility for that and I deeply apologize. Truly. None of this is an excuse. And if I treat you poorly in the future, please let me know so that I can correct my mistakes. I’m working to minimize any ill I may cause as a result of being in a poor mood or stuck in my head. So, I apologize for any harm I could have possibly done.

And thank you again. Thank you for listening to me, and reading all I write, and loving me openly and fully and supporting me and hugging me and spending time with me. Thank you for having faith in me when I didn’t have faith in myself, and thank you for reminding me that I deserve to be here and I deserve to be loved. You mean the world to me. I love you. Thank you. So, so, so much.

All my love,

Allie