Getting Rid of Problem Behavior Supplies

This may seem like an obvious aspect of recovery. And I guess it is. It can be harder than it seems, though.

I’d be lying if I said I’ve successfully completed this step. I’ve tried, multiple times. It’s a really really hard one for me to fully wrap my head around. I’m getting there.

But, to fully embrace recovery, you have to get rid of what you possess that helps you engage in problem behaviors. For me, this was/is utility knives, bleach, and my scale. After getting out of the hospital, I collected my box of all my blades and my bleach and gave them all to Julia. Intellectually, I understand that she probably just threw them out, but it felt different and safer for me to give them to her rather than throwing them out myself. It felt less permanent, even though I know, even if I begged and begged, Julia wouldn’t give them back.

About a week later, after reading another book detailing eating disorder recovery, I gave her my scale, too.

I had none of those objects in my possession for the 35 days I was problem behavior free.

Then when I relapsed, I bought another small package of utility knives a few days later. The next day, I got rid of them by giving them to Jessie.

Then I was inpatient again, and a few days after leaving, I ordered an industrial set of utility knives and bought some more bleach. I never touched the bleach, and I haven’t used the utility knives in 13 days. For whatever reason, I still haven’t gotten rid of them though.

I think part of it has to do with quarantine, and the other part has to do with my being scared.

With quarantine, I think, in a strange way, I may be safer with them. Or at least safer with the utility knives. I feel like if I were to freak out and not have them, especially when no one is physically around, I’d be faster to do something much more damaging and permanent. Or maybe not–maybe that’s just a made up excuse I use to justify it–I’m honestly not completely sure.

I’m also just scared of giving them away. My therapist explained it the best–for a while, my problem behaviors were what made it bearable to stay alive and not jump off the bridge. Even though, in their essence they are self destructive, they made life for me a little bit easier. And especially in throwing them away, or even in giving them away (to a slightly lesser extent), I feel like there’s a permanence in it. There’s a permanence in getting rid of the safety net that I’m not sure I’m completely ready to let go of quite yet.

I have a feeling that this is going to be one of the final steps in my recovery. And when that day comes, I’m going to throw all of it out.

If you’re feeling brave, I encourage you to throw it all away. Of course, it makes it easier to not engage in problem behaviors when you don’t have something you need to do them. I don’t think I’m there yet, but I’m on my way. And so are you. One step at a time.

All my love,

Allie