looking back & moving forward

Hi friends!

As we approach New Year’s I’m finding myself feeling a little bit nervous about what 2021 has in store. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited for 2020 to be over (as I’m sure everyone is at this point). At the same time, though, endings and new beginnings always seem to make me a little anxious.

I think part of it is that people tend to hype up the start of a new year–not only with resolutions, but with high expectations of changes that are ‘supposed’ to happen in the 365 days following. It feels like a lot of pressure for a single day.

But the new year also gets me to reflect on the past year and gets me to try figuring out where I go from here.

This year has been a lot. I’m not even talking about the pandemic, which has definitely thrown everyone off. What I’m talking about how this has been both my best and worst year in my life so far.

I’ve attempted suicide this year 5 (and arguably a half?) times. I took 80-something of my antidepressants at once back at the end of August, which has been a lot to process and accept as I figure out how to want to be alive and keep myself that way . I’ve been hospitalized 4 times, tried to die 3 times over the course of a month, and participated in an intensive outpatient program for my bulimia for 5 weeks. I dropped nearly all of my classes this semester to focus on my mental health, and I’m in the midst of preparing for graduation in the spring.

But at the same time I’d argue that I have learned a lot about being brave, and I have made choices to reflect that. I’ve really strengthened my friendships this year. Despite my suicide attempts, I feel as though I’ve become more comfortable with who I am. I’ve learned to speak up more and care a little less about what other people think, and my social anxiety has been a lot more manageable. I’ve dug into therapy and have become more willing to let my therapists help me recover instead of fighting it. I’ve learned more about holding and respecting boundaries in my relationships, and how to set them with the people I care about when I need to. I’ve learned about the importance of holding myself accountable for my mental and emotional well-being, and I think I am on my way to fully embodying that. I have changed course and committed to grad school to get my MSW in the next couple of years. And with all of that, I have become far more comfortable in sharing with other people about what is really going on with me, asking for help and support when I need it, and I have dissolved a considerable amount of the shame I held in my suicide attempts, my struggles, and my challenges.

AND I made this blog! It has felt incredibly freeing to share my story with you all, and it has helped me a lot in my commitment to recovery. As I told Therapist Ryan yesterday, this blog helps hold me accountable in that every time I write a new post, I commit myself to learning and looking at my challenges as a springboard to move forward to healthier choices.

So yeah, mix that all with a global pandemic and you get one crazy year. :p

I am anxious but excited for what my future holds. Next semester I’m volunteering at the VA hospital and returning to full time at school, and I’m eager to complete my dance capstone project and challenge myself in its production. Graduation is scary, but I’m looking forward to moving someplace new, gaining more social work experience, and figure out how to more fully embody who I am.

Of course, too, I’m also looking forward to continue sharing all my new adventures, and I’m even more excited to eventually be able to incorporate what I learn from new social work experiences!

This past year, this blog has helped to keep me in the recovery mindset and has been an incredible experience. I’m eager to continue sharing my journey to a healthy, happy, and whole life.

As always, I’m so thankful to you all joining me on this adventure, and I hope you’ll continue to accompany me. I see you, I appreciate you, and I wish you all nothing but the best for the new year.

All my love,

Allie