an anniversary and future plans

Hi friends!

Today is a weird day. Today is the 1 year anniversary of the first time I went to the bridge, meaning it is the first anniversary of suicide attempt number two. And I have a lot of feelings.

Most of the time I’m happy I’m still here. I have a lot of things I’m really looking forward to–moving in with my best friend in August (or if we can swing it, June), volunteering a ton, and applying (and hopefully getting admitted to) grad school to get my MSW.

And then other times, today just kind of seems like a bit of a failure. I still kind of battle feeling ashamed sometimes. It feels like I was weak, even though I know that in those times I saw no other option.

So I don’t know. Today is loaded with feelings that I don’t totally know what to do with. But I don’t want today to be a bad day. Sure today may slightly be freaking me out, but I can still actively participate in my recovery (which, I’m happy to say, has been going really well!) and I can focus on what I’m looking forward to. Today can be thought of as a sort of celebration of my still being alive, so I’m working on doing that here. 🙂

With that, I thought I’d give a bit of a life update because I’ve been solidifying plans that I’m really excited about!

Okay, so as I’ve already mentioned, I’m graduating in May with a BFA in Dance. Woohoo! For a year or two, I’m moving in with my lovely and fabulous and amazing friend Erin in Iowa City. I’m going to stick around, get a job or two to save up some money, and build up some volunteer experience for my social work resume. Then when that’s built up a bit, I’m going to apply for the University of Iowa’s MSW program and take a focus in end-of-life care. Assuming I get that degree, I plan on moving either to Denver, Portland, or Seattle and working as a social worker in either hospice or palliative care.

It’s all really exciting. I never really was convinced I was going to be alive by the time I planned on graduating, so it’s a strange but exciting feeling. All of this is suddenly becoming more real, and social work as a whole, even if I change course as to what exactly I’m doing in the field, just feels really really right for me. I want to be able to help people at their most vulnerable and, as cheesy as it sounds, I want to make a difference in the world.

A little bit looping back to what today is, I want to leave this last thought. In my Loss, Death, and Bereavement class we’re talking about the ways different cultures think about and handle death. One way that’s really struck and resonated with me is the view a lot of Native American tribes have–rather than death being an ending, it’s a transformation to another way of living, and that person will affect everything the people who knew them does for the rest of their lives. It reminds me of the idea that history is made up of little moments, and if even one of those moments changed, it could cause gigantic differences over time.

When I was thinking about it last night, I realized that with my death, I’d be affecting everyone I have come in contact with at least in a small way–whether it be my normal barista at Starbucks or my best friends. And with my death, I want to impact those lives in a positive way.

If I were to die by suicide, my memory and my affect on the people I care about would be tainted by the darkness and sadness of my actions. I don’t think that’s the way I want to leave my mark on the world.

All my love,

Allie