Hey, I’m getting there!

Hi friends! I have AMAZING news.

Before I get into that, though, I discovered the day after my last post that for some reason, the post cut off in the middle. I have updated it with the last half included. If you’re interested, you can check it out here.

Okay, now here’s the news–I found a roommate and a place to live in Denver!!! I’m so excited and honestly ridiculously relieved. It’s about a 20 minute drive to downtown, and the guy I’m moving in with seems super great and cool. Rent is manageable, and there’s parking! I’m beyond happy.

The past week has been a rollercoaster. Monday was my 22nd birthday. I’m not always the biggest fan of my birthday because it reminds me of how many times I tried not to make it to the next year. But I have to say, this definitely was one of my absolute best birthdays in a while, if not my best birthday in general. 

My aunt invited me over for dinner, and right when I got there her husband sat down at their piano and they sang me happy birthday. It gave me such an incredible sense of the fuzzies. Then my aunt showed me some cooking basics, I hung out with her adorable three year old son, and got to talk with her and her husband for a while. I felt loved and like I belonged somewhere, which I haven’t felt in a really long time. And boy, it felt amazing. 

The next day I had a friend admitted to the ICU and it scared me a ton. I haven’t had anyone in my life get hospitalized for physical health problems in an incredibly long time. It messed with my head, A LOT. It reminded me of life’s fragility and how no one is exempt from suffering. It hurt me to see her hurting. I am so relieved that after a few days of being in the hospital she is okay and is getting better. 

In thinking about my parents, I’m getting closer to accepting where I’m at. I think I’ve mostly passed the angry stage and am just kind of sad. It sucks. My mom sent me an email last week apologizing for her “adverse behavior” and asked me how my job was going and if I had plans for after the summer. Since there was also some insurance info I needed in the email, I replied to the questions about that and ignored the apology and questions about my job. 

My mom has apologized similarly before, claiming she’s working on it, but I think I’ve run out of second chances to give her. She didn’t say what the ‘adverse behavior’ was, and it felt like she was just pulling at strings to get me to forgive her and talk to her–and with that, it felt hollow. There was no specific reference to what she thought her ‘adverse behavior’ actually was, and it took her two weeks to apologize to me at all. 

When I was talking to Therapist Ryan about it, I talked about how if she let me down in the same way again, it would crush me and how I think that at this point it would lead to another suicide attempt . I’ve given her plenty of second chances, and I feel like I need to force myself to be done. She’s very clearly showed me time and time again that her behavior isn’t going to change, and I can’t sacrifice my health and safety on the slight chance that she really meant it this time. I need to stop torturing myself. I’m working on accepting that every time I talk to either of my parents, I feel like sh*t and set myself up for getting bad again. I need to put myself first and keep my safety as my top priority.

I’m doing really well in terms of not acting on problem behaviors, which has been great. I had a couple days last weekend where I restricted my food a bit, but after about 2 and a half days, I was able to get back on the recovery bandwagon. I haven’t cut 32 days and haven’t thrown up in 38. I’m pretty damn proud of myself, especially with all the stress I’ve had lately. I feel like recovery is faring pretty well amidst the chaos right now. That’s not to say I don’t have the urge to cut or purge anymore, but I’ve been far more willing to use my healthier coping mechanisms, reach out to friends, and distract myself when I need to until the urge passes.

Something that has been helping me a lot is accepting what works, even if it might seem weird or odd to other people. And I’m working on not being self conscious about it. For example, stuffed animals really have been helping my PTSD. So a lot of the time, if I have my backpack, I have a small stuffed animal with me. I also love using Play-doh, putty, or other types of fidget toys when I’m feeling anxious or distracted. My friends and I have a joke that the more stressed I am, the more children’s toys I keep on my person. It’s true, and I don’t want to be ashamed of it anymore. If it helps, it helps. 

I’ve also been noticing what I can do that ‘fills my cup,’ for lack of a better phrase. I’ve been working on giving my friends more love and trying to contribute more because it’s fulfilling for me. So when I heard that my friend was in the ICU, I offered to help with childcare and with bringing her anything she needed. She was only allowed one visitor due to COVID restrictions, so I wasn’t able to see her. But when she said she didn’t think she needed anything, I offered to bring her a stuffed animal buddy. I knew that when I was in the hospital, a stuffed pal was one of the comfort objects I wanted the most, and I wanted to feel like I was doing something, even if it wasn’t something huge. I was able to drop off two of my favorite stuffed animals with her husband, and I was glad to be there for her, even if only in a small way. 

Despite all the stress, I think life and recovery have been going pretty well. And I’m starting to get to a place where I’m letting myself be proud of it. I’m doing this, and I’m figuring out my future. I’m slowly learning how to be alive, and I’m starting to be happy to be here. 

It’s a process, but it’s happening. 

In reading this, you’re helping with that process, and I couldn’t be more grateful. You’re important. You’re amazing. I see you. 

All my love, 

Allie