Hey friends!
I have been trying to write a new post for the last week and for whatever reason am coming up with nearly nothing. It’s not that nothing has happened; with my big move coming up, a lot has been going on. Mostly I think I’ve just been a ball of constant anxiety and am am still terrified enough that I’m not sure where to go from here.
I’ve been doing pretty well despite the anxiety. I’ve been eating (and not puking), haven’t self harmed in over a week, and am functioning pretty well overall. I have been adulting a ton–I got my car, got car insurance, got an oil change on my own, drove back home with my friend to pick up some stuff from my parents, booked a hotel for my trip, and started packing early. I’ve been continuing applying for jobs, too.
I feel okay. Goodbyes royally suck and there’s been a lot of crying. I’m starting to freak a little bit. It’s really, really happening. In 6 days.
Mostly I’m scared. Scared of leaving my friends and the familiarity of Iowa City. Scared of moving to a place I’ve never been, where I don’t really know anyone, don’t have a job, and where I’m moving in with a roommate I’ve never met and only talked to for 11 minutes over video. I’m definitely starting to wonder if I’m crazy for doing this, but I also know that there’s no going back. It’s happening.
But I think more than all of that, I’m terrified that I’m going to crash again.
I’ve finally started doing decently well–not fantastic, but far better than I have in a long while. I haven’t tried to kill myself in nearly a year, am mostly eating normally, and am using my coping skills a lot more. For the most part, I don’t think I’m suicidal anymore. I think instead that I’m just exhausted from living. But something is keeping me here that I don’t think was there before. I’m starting to accept the fact that there are people who love and care about me and that the world would be different if I wasn’t here. I’m starting to accept help when it’s offered to me and ask for it when I need it. And I’m learning to push myself to do the hard things even when they scare me.
I’ve been reminding myself that no matter how much I plan for this move, there will still be unknowns. And somehow, even if it doesn’t feel like it, I will be okay. I will get through. To quote my aunt, “you and the world around you are always changing, and so even if you feel stuck–I promise that you aren’t.” (She’s a wise one, isn’t she? :D)
I’m doing the best I can. Somewhere inside me I know that I can figure this out. I have the tools to cope, and I’m not in the same place I was last year when I started self-destructing once I moved back to school. I’ve made a lot of progress.
Some good things have definitely been happening, too. Work is going well, and I was excited to learn how to use some power tools! I’ve been hanging out with my friends a lot, got a new tattoo, and have been trying to make the most of the limited time I have left in Iowa City. And…I got my first car! It’s really exciting, and I really, really love it. It feels so weird to have so much new freedom. Her name is Dilys, nicknamed Dilly Bar, for an Alexander Technique teacher (my aunt’s idea :D). (And as a total aside, you should look up the Alexander Technique if you’re not familiar. It’s so. freaking. cool.)
There are also SO many things I’m excited for. I’ve never seen a mountain in person. Ever. And now I’m moving to Denver! When I met my therapist for the first time two years ago, he asked me what my “life worth living” goals were–what were the things I was looking forward to that were making my being alive worth it? My immediate answer without any hesitation was that I wanted to see a mountain. And now I finally will. It feels surreal.
I’m also looking forward to meeting new people, exploring the city, and becoming more outdoorsy. I want to use this as a chance to learn new things, find new things I enjoy, and get out of my comfort zone. I know that sounds a whole lot like the cliche “I want to find myself” (I know, eyeroll), but I think there’s some truth to it.
Moving somewhere I’ve never been before without really knowing anyone has always been on my bucket list. And maybe it’s crazy. But hey, now’s the time for me to do it. I have nothing tying me down anywhere, and I’m young and kicking. And I’m nervous (okay, maybe terrified) but excited to do this on my own.
This is really happening. And it’s okay that I’m both excited and terrified. And somehow, I’ll get through.
Thank you so much for being with me through all of this. I see you and I love you.
(And p.s.: if anyone has any tips for moving across the country, PLEASE send them my way! Any words of wisdom are much appreciated.) 🙂
All my love,
Allie
SAVING MY BUTTERFLIES 