Hey friends! It’s actually been so long this time that I needed to look at where I left off, but I’m happy to be back. In a good way, things haven’t been super eventful. I’ve been in a little bit of a ‘meh’ funk, but it’s way better than I had been doing before, so I’m going to take it!
Yesterday I got back from a week long trip to Iowa visiting some friends. My friend bought me plane tickets for Christmas and let me stay with her, and it was great to see some friends I haven’t seen in a while.
I feel like I’m still kind of digesting the trip–I felt a LOT of things. So much happened while I lived there that was so incredibly complicated–I was so miserable during most of my time there, but I also met some of my favorite humans and had some good times. And this is the first time I’ve visited since I truly feel like I live in Colorado. Sure I went last year, but I was SO homesick that I would’ve moved back in a heartbeat. This time I was glad to be there while simultaneously recognizing that I’m glad to live in Colorado now. Like I said–complicated.
Iowa itself holds so many memories that I forgot about until physically being there. Most of those memories involve a lot of the sh*t that went down with my parents, so I’m going to be talking through those with my therapist in the coming sessions.
Aside from the trip, life has been fairly relaxed, actually. I got a job at a sandwich shop shortly after my last post, and it’s been going well. My coworkers are cool, and I’ve made a few friends. And it’s nice to be able to go home and not be worried about work.
Dance has been going well, too. We had a few weeks off for the holidays, but we’re back in full swing, and it is awesome to be back. I feel like I got really lucky in the dance environments I’ve become a part of here–it’s something I look forward to every week and being there makes me smile.
The holidays were okay–not great, but FAR better than the past few years. It was a bit hard without family in that it’s solidifying even more for me that I’ve now had zero contact with them for over seven months. It hurts, even though I know it’s what’s best for me. I am fortunate to have great friends though, because I didn’t spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year’s alone. It’s nice to feel a part of something–to feel seen and cared for. I have some really beautiful humans in my life, and I feel very, very lucky.
I’ve been taking this time to get a bit more involved in AA, too. I’ve been going to more meetings, especially since my intensive outpatient program ended a few weeks ago, and I’m now 110 days sober! It feels bizarre–I’m just taking it one day at a time because anything more than that has a tendency to feel overwhelming. It’s been working, though, and I’ll take it. I had a few-week stint of food being a little wild–it’s like my body was trying to grab away at any way to self-destruct–but I’m back on track with that, too, and haven’t thrown up in a couple weeks.
Overall I’m okay. I feel weird–blunted, almost. It’s like I’m in limbo. But before I was absolutely miserable, so I can deal with meh. I can deal with out-of-sorts, and I’ll take it any day over being suicidal. I’m doing my best.
I’m trying to focus on my little wins. While I haven’t been feeling great, I haven’t felt exceptionally terrible in a while, either. I’m going to work, it’s becoming a little easier to get out of bed in the morning, and I’m staying sober and healthy. And that really is enough. I’m putting one foot in front of the other.
Thank you for following me on my journey. Thank you for the never-ending support. Thank you for reminding me that I am TRULY not alone.
I love you, I see you, and I’m so happy you’re here.
All my love,
Allie
SAVING MY BUTTERFLIES 